Quarantime Diaries
Day 7? 8? What year is it?
It's been two hours since I've woken up from my 10-hour slumber, and for a half-hour now I've needed to pee. I can't find the strength or resolve to put down my phone, paralyzed by the endless stream of apocalyptic images and articles, that simultaneously stir panic and comfort. If someone asked about my worst fears, isolation and claustrophobia would rank highest. And although I am not alone in my home, the feeling of being trapped is permeable and suffocating. Today I find myself cowering in my blanket while my dog cuddles my legs, unable to get up and pee.
I'm someone who can find a silver lining through the darkest of clouds. I build vivid worlds in my head and plunge into them for hours before writing them down. That is my superpower. Lately, those worlds have been getting smaller and smaller to a point where I feel like a stranger in a strange land. And that silver lining has transformed into an ellipsis.
The eternal optimist inside keeps repeating:
"We're in this together; There are people who don't have the luxuries you do; Be grateful; You're not high-risk; This will pass; You will pee soon."
The reason I can't calm that panic inside is because it's all around me. It's the collective horror that lives and grows in the air every day - what we breathe in every morning. I wonder how many people will come out of this pandemic agoraphobic? With exacerbated OCD? Or PTSD?
At the beginning of the Coronavirus pandemic, I was adamant about not feeding into mass hysteria, because the fear it can conjure is dangerous. It's dangerous because fear is harmful in certain bodies - in certain minds. Fear can drive people to do things they wouldn't imagine ever doing - like hoarding large amounts of toilet paper. Fear leaves grocery store shelves empty without consideration of the rest of the population - particularly the elderly. Fear breeds panic and that panic has the power to drive a weaker mind insane. Fear is what has inflated gun sales. Fear makes my heart flutter before I open my eyes in the morning.
So here's my message to you, dear readers. Fear will never be absent from our lives, but we can keep it from growing. Acknowledge it's there and do your best to shrink it by taking care of yourself, practicing social distancing, checking up on your family and friends, and taking this time to connect with yourself. If you're not working, it's time to stop binging shows and movies all day. Instead, use your brain and make it strong, then reward yourself with indulgence. Imagine, discover, create.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear" - F.D.R.
You are more important than fear and now is the time to find new ways to fill that void, and nourish your souls. Work with one another, not against each other. Offer help if you can. Appreciate the unity of the world at this very moment.
Watch some elephants get drunk off corn whiskey because it's the best thing ever.
Now... it's time to pee.
